Heart and Soul

I need to find my passion again.

Wait.

Slash that.

I need to find my passion.

And by passion I meant my heart and soul. Something that I know I was shaped for. One that God has placed in my heart, and one that only I am supposed to do. Not in a sense that only I can do it, but in a way that it will be different from all the other things God has asked others to do.

I was made to worship God.

That I know.

That I am passionate about.

Maybe that is enough.

I don't know. I may be thinking about things too much. Maybe.

God's best gift

I remember talking to a friend about what I look for in a guy, and not just any guy but my perfect man. Of course there were the usual requirements; like being a God-fearing person, good, loving, etcetera etcetera etcetera. We have all been so picky that we have a hard time finding the right one because we always compare them with our "perfect man". Not just that, but we tire ourselves out just to look for him.

All the things we do just for love.

So starting today, I will not tire myself out by looking for him all the time (or by trying to make sure that the person I like fits the category). It is a good thing though that God is involved in my love story; and not just merely involved but He is the author of my love story. I am sure that He has prepared the best man for me who I will come to know in His best time as well.

Thinking about it though made me realize how much I have been blind. You see, everything I look for in a guy I can actually find in Jesus Christ. He is the perfect man, not just for me but for all of us! Wow! That actually made me feel more at peace knowing that I do not have to live life like I have no one, because I actually do.

Cheers to a very romantic life with Christ and His perfect "gift" to all of us.

Humpty Dumpty's choice

Yesterday, after so many long unmeasurable years, I tried joining our church's fellowship once again. This time however I am now part of the "singles" and not with the "youths". While we were making plans for the upcoming Simbang Gabi our pastor was talking to me about the life story of one our new church member. How he fell in love and fell apart. His story truly was one of deep hurt and sadness. One that even just the thought would really break ones heart. Imagine having your first and last true love die at a very young age.

I would really be torn apart if that happens. I would be broken into pieces without anyone knowing how to fix me, how to put me back together again. Just like Humpty Dumpty. All the Kings men would not be able to help at all; but the King could. Our King could and would if we want Him to and if He wills it. Our King wanted to help us from the very beginning, it was just really up to us whether we want to be fixed or if we want to stay broken. It is our choice. I would leave this entry here so we could all think. This is not just for those who are heartbroken but for everyone who is broken. One of the things I always tell myself is just to let go and let God.

Let go and let GOD.

Saving Angela

“My greatest disappointments in life are when I ask anyone or anything other than Jesus Christ to be my savior.” -- Jon Acuff

This is one truth that I have always known, but in all honesty, it is also one that I always tend to forget. There are times when I start to create expectations out of certain things turning it into a "must" and thinking that it will eventually turn things around for me or make things better. Jon Acuff describes this one as "having savior moments".

I used to think that if only I have a/an (insert expensive trendy "it" item here) it would at least make me even a bit happier. Just a bit because I still have the brains to remember that temporary things will never complete us, especially since it is temporary.

I used to think that if only I have a boyfriend, then I would not have lonely days, and he would be able to ease all my hurts, and fill up the empty space in my heart.

I used to think that if only I have a job, I would have the money and it would make things better for me. It would make me happier and it would make me a better person. Having a job would also say good things about me, right?

I used to think a lot of things would help me but that is and never will be the case.

If we always put our trust in temporary things, in relationships, and whatnot, then surely we would really end up dissapointed. All these things will soon disappear, it will soon fail, it will soon fall short of our expectations. Only Christ can save us. Only Christ can change us. Only Christ can make a difference in our lives. This is the truth I've always known, this is the truth that God keeps reminding us over and over again. I hope from now on I won't need to be reminded once again and that I will always place my trust in God and look to Him first and foremost.

Job hunting

I'm getting really tired of looking for a job. Well, I haven't really searched for so long, but the constant silent rejections, transfers, and whatnot is just so emotionally draining. Okay, maybe I am just over reacting, I guess it is just the hormones talking. I hate pms. :(

I know God has prepared the perfect job just for me, I just have to believe and trust Him. Though it is hard to keep moving forward, I will always cast all my cares upon Him and rest in His promises. Okay, I'm fine now. :)

A commitment to wait

When God wants you to remember something, He reminds you. And he keeps doing so until you understand. Which is exactly why I am wondering why I was able to read another blog about waiting for God's best and why I received a recycled paper with a True Love Waits Commitment at the back. Hmm... I wonder why.









So here are the five commitments of true love waits as written in the paper:

- To God: Matthew 22:37 - Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'

- To Yourself: Matthew 22:39 - And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

- To Your Family: Philippians 4:5 - Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

- To Your Friends: John 15:13 - Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

- To Your Future Mate and Children: 2 Timothy 2:22 - Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

And with that, "Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate, and my future children to a lifetime of purity including sexual abstinence from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship."

I shall now say, Ok ok ok... :)

Crying in Secret

This is a story about three little kids who dreamed big dreams and hoped with all their heart to attain it. Each of them wakes up with a smile on their face knowing that the new day is another step nearer their goal.

One dreams of becoming a Doctor.

The other, a Lawyer.

The last kid wants to be the President.

And we smile. We smile because we want them to achieve those dreams. We smile because we see the hope in their eyes. We smile because we know that they can achieve their goals.

Isn't this such a wonderful story? I just feel so happy for them and I am looking forward to what their future holds. Wait. Let me add another touching element to this story.

They all live in Uganda.

Now my eyes are starting to swell up. They have hope, even if they live in a very tough land. They still dream no matter what condition they were born in. And they work hard for it. Real hard. I know how you feel, you are so touched and proud of them right? You just want to cheer them on and hope that nothing or nobody will ever take that dream away from them. Everything is going fine until a stranger pokes you in the back and whispers, "Not all endings are happy". Way to go weird and ominous stranger for ruining the moment! So you tell on the stranger and say, "Not with my God! With Him all endings are happy ones! You just wait and see." And so we continue with the story of the three wonderful little kids.

One seemingly perfect and peaceful night children from different families were abducted and our three friends were part of those taken. They were dragged and tortured once they try to escape and they were forced into becoming soldiers. Child soldiers. For their first task they were each asked to murder the person their abductors tell them to, they were threatened to death if they choose to disobey. These children, being so young and not knowing what to do, scared of dying they hold their first gun and...

With their first kill they are now considered good soldiers and because they are good soldiers their abductors must make sure that they would stay. Without the children knowing, they murder their family and tells the kids that something bad happened to their family. This way, the kids have no place to call home and nobody to run to. Now all that they are left to do is to cry. Cry their heart out. Cry out all their pains. Cry in secret. In secret because if they were caught crying, if the kids were caught thinking of home, they would be beaten up badly.

In one night their lives changed instantly and took a u-turn. In an instant, their dreams were shattered. And hope? They don't even understand the word anymore. They lost all their hope. You can just hear the stranger laughing behind you and saying his I-told-you-so speech. The sad part is, these kids start to doubt God and stopped calling on His name. It's hard to say that there is hope, because for them the future is just so dark and empty. But we know better, there is hope! THERE IS HOPE! Our hearts break seeing how hopeless these kids are and how some of them do not even hear about the fact that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We all yearn for a happy ending for all of them.

The Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) alone in Uganda abducted 10,000 children and used them as soldiers and even sex slaves. There are around 250,000 child soldiers for rebel groups and government forces in various countries. The number increases as the number of armed forces increase as well. 250,000 kids. These kids need to know that there is hope that with God all endings are happy. I urge you to reach out, to help and to pray. Give your best in doing so, whatever it is, they need it, they need you, they need God. Whatever is in your power to do, do it.

Now I do not want to leave you thinking about the story and how those three kids were left hopeless. No, I also want each of you to have faith and to really really know in your heart that there is hope.

There are people like you and me who went and rescued these kids from harms way. They rescued them, sheltered and fed them, took care of them, and made sure that everything is going to be okay. While doing so they all shared God's word and his hope. The children were not only rehabilitated but they also found peace, joy, and hope once again. Now that is a wonderful ending slash beginning. It really warms my heart knowing that with God all things are beautiful.

Now I wonder where the stranger went, guess he couldn't face defeat.

* Watched this story in the Daystar channel and cried buckets of tears.
The picture was taken from http://joshuadysart.com

From a bad past to a future full of hope

I was watching a documentary about a serial killer and they basically talked about his confessions, how many he killed, how he tortured or raped them before killing them, and all other very disturbing details. Indeed, it was very very disturbing especially after finding out that those who know him (and obviously does not have any idea on his killing spree) describe him as the sweetest and nicest boy-next-door type of guy. Imagine being neighbors with a serial killer for years and not knowing about it! I have also read about different stories of drug users, what it made them do and the damage it has done in their lives, their families, and people around them. Most of them committed numerous crimes, are wanted in different states, sold their bodies and a lot more just for drugs. Drugs that some of them never even wanted in the first place.

There are a lot of things that are happening in this world which are very disturbing and/or heartbreaking, most of which are connected with each other. In the documentary and the stories, there was something I found in common, when they addressed the root problem it was mostly related to something that happened in their childhood. This is not always the case, however it is one of the biggest reason found in most cases. The serial killer had an alcoholic father who abused him and used him everytime he gets home. The drug addict also had an addict as a mother, she sold her for more drugs. The others? Neglected.

A bad past led to a worse present, do we want an even worst future? I'm asking this not just for us, or for others who are affected, but also for them. Child abuse and exploitation is very rampant, statistics show an estimated 0f 150 million girls and 73 million boys under 18 are experiencing different forms of forced sexual intercourse and/or violence, 1.8 million are forced into prostitution and/or pornography, 1.2 million are trafficked, 250,000 are turned into child soldiers, and 218 million are forced to work even in dangerous environments. These statistics were reported years ago by the UN and WHO, all are also increasing in number, and these are only estimates. What about the others? those who were neglected, those who were left to die?

What we do with these kids affect their lives and our lives, so while they are young we should not hesitate to do something about it and to help them. Jesus said in Matthew 19:14, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (NIV) Do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. The kingdom of heaven is beautiful, it is peaceful, safe, full of joy, and wonderful in so many words. Such a place exists for them, it belongs to them and we should not take it away from them. There are so many children who needs hope. Just around the corner you'll see them. It is time to stop ignoring them. This is a reminder not just for you but also for me and everyone else who could do something about it even in little ways. Volunteer. Help raise awareness. Whatever is in your power to do, do it.

Jesus said, "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."

- Mark 9:37, NIV

On Fireflies and Firefly

"I'd like to make myself believe
that planet Earth turns slowly
Its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems"
-Fireflies by Owl City

I really like Fireflies by Owl City. I loved it ever since the first time I heard it and to satisfy my musical craving I asked my younger sister to download it. At that time however we still do not know who sang it; so my sister typed in "Firefly" (Which was already a mistake) and there were several artists who had such a song. Not knowing who really sang it she downloaded from two different artists who sounded like they could be the right one. It was obviously none of them, since the real title of the song is "Fireflies". Later on, we were able to download the one I really wanted plus, from that minor mistake I learned to love a new song.

Now I may sound like I'm blabbering on again, but I do have a point; it's not much of a point but it is somewhat like a point. I am always afraid of making mistakes thinking that it will always lead to an undesirable result. That however is not always the case, sometimes mistakes can open us to newer possibilities, it can show us things we've never seen before. In my case, this tiny mistake which made a great big difference also led me to find a new song to love. It's great how God reminds us of a lot of things even from the simplest things in life, things that we don't usually notice as well. Were always usually so busy we forget to just pause to take a deep breath and look around. I pray that we never miss God's simple reminders from all our small or big daily activities, that we never forget that God is always at work in our lives.

"It’d take a thousand colors just to paint your eyes
Like saving grace, they raise me up to paradise
This ain’t opinion, it’s consensus from my heart and mind
You make me happy to be alive"
-Firefly by Jimmy Needham

Dreaming Dreams

As graduation draws nearer I can't help but think about what really is next. I tried my best to postpone such thoughts, however it keeps coming back. To be honest, I don't really know what I want to happen next. I have no idea what I want, what my dreams are, or whatever one may call it; it's a good thing God planned out everything or else I might just be in deep deep trouble. I may have no dreams for myself, but God gave me dreams for His glory, and I consider that dream to be my dream. And when God gives us dreams, we are certain that it will surely come to pass.

Now, I know it is really hard to be sure of certain things, especially when our current situation seems to disagree greatly of such dreams. It is so frustratingly disappointing! But God knows best, He knows when the perfect time is for that dream to happen. The moments that we think nothing is happening may be the exact moments that He uses to prepare us for our dreams. With that in mind, we should embrace every moment knowing that we are getting nearer to what God has prepared for us.

Embracing every moment however, does not mean that we can sit around and wait for it to happen. No. If God gave you the dream that you will dance, nothing will ever really happen if you don't practice. God does not want us to be idle. He wants us to believe, to expect, to trust in Him, and to prepare for the wonderful future He planned for us, for the dream He gave us.

Now what?

Kind of excited for my sister's wedding, however I still don't have anything to wear. So here I am looking at gowns. Hmm... what to wear? what to wear?

A Mother's Love

Awhile back (when it was still September 25), I suddenly had the urge to watch Nooma[1] again, as if there's something of importance I needed to understand or even to remember. It was all about the Maternal image of God, and it was very interesting especially since it was something that we normally do not really talk about. To add to that, right after watching Nooma I read about the exact same thing in one of the blogs[2] that I follow.

They both talked about how God loves us and how "As a father has compassion for his children, so the Lord has compassion for those who fear him." (Psalm 103:13) Both of them focused on the word compassion and how this word was derived from the word womb or womb-like. Imagine that! God has a womb-like compassion for us, His children.

Although I am not a mother we all know how deep a mother's love is for her kids, how she connects with them, and how she protects them and delights over them. To think of God's love for us in this point of view, makes it even bigger and powerful and all-encompassing. As a mother delights in us, so does God[3] (and in a bigger way)! God watches over us, He looks at our every move with loving eyes, He laughs with us and cries with us, He embraces us knowing that we need it even though we say don't, He protects us... He loves us so much in so many big ways that one cannot posibly describe it! That is just looking at it in the maternal image, if we add all the other images of God's love, all the other metaphors used, then imagine how much bigger His love is for us.

To think that these are just metaphors, imagery, words that are used to further emphasize the point, or to beautify our sentences. These are just words. And God's love cannot be contained by our language! And that was really their point, that very thing that I needed to remember and understand fully, that God loves me! He loves each and every one of us so so sooo much; so much that we can't even describe it fully.

1nooma.com
2 Thinking Out Loud
3 A dear friend of mine also sent a devotional e-mail this day about how God delights over us. God really is all around!

I'll Be Ok

Everything will be ok. As long as my God is with me, everything will be ok.

You alone I run to, no one helps me like You
I'll be ok when I'm safe in your arms and the thoughts of this world fades away...
I'll be ok when it's you by my side and the tears of this life wipe away...
I'll be ok with You...

Another beautiful ending/Another exciting beginning

I only have until Friday; after that I will no longer be a college student.

It feels weird. I feel very happy about it, yet quite sad. It's another one of those journey that is nearing its end so one can start a new one. All of us are now in the point where we constantly reminisce about everything from frosh days to whatever days, and we are all in a very nostalgic mode.

Looking back, I can see how God greatly worked in my life and how He blessed me so so much. With that I sing "Laging tapat/ laging sapat/ ang aking Diyos/ na makapangyarihan...".

I will dearly miss my college days, but even though I am about to close this chapter of my life, I am looking forward to the future knowing that God will always be by my side.

And if my God is with me whom then shall I fear?

August 29, 2009 - A night where I experienced a very bad "shock" in my life. It was my first and hopefully my last. Everything happened so quickly, yet somehow during that time, I thought everything went to a stand still. As if, in that instant, someone made everything go slow. I wish I was brave enough to do something. I can't believe I just stood there. Still, it is all over now and there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, I am still scared. Now, however, I have peace in my heart for I know that my God will never leave my side.

You Never Let Go By Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

I am very thankful that nothing bad further happened. We are God's children and He will always protect us. Lastly, even though it is hard, there is something I must do. Whoever and wherever you guys are, I forgive you.

Planning Ahead

A re-post of my post from my other blog.

04/16
It’s normal to plan ahead, we all do it. There really is nothing wrong in planning, ahead unless you make your own plans without having in mind God’s plans for you. It is in our nature to plan for something big, knowing that God did not make us small; but when our plans don’t come alive we become so disheartened. We keep on forgetting that it is not our plans that matter but His plan.

I used to feel insignificant, thinking that I am not supposed to be living this life; instead I should be doing something big for Him. I felt like I was on the right track; good thing I always ask God to “slap me in the face” whenever I’m going the wrong way. He didn’t really slap me but one night He made a way for me to talk to a friend whom He is using to make me understand something. My good friend told me how she used to feel the same way, as if she should be doing something extravagant for God; but then her counselor told her that maybe right now, that is not where God wanted her to be. God has huge plans for her, but right now He is using her mightily in the “small” things that we don’t usually notice every day.

I understood then, that once again I am going way ahead of Him by mapping out my life, when in fact He has a plan for me right now that I was not able to notice because I was busy planning. I may not be able to understand completely the way God works but I put my trust in Him knowing full well that He has a plan for me, one that is far greater than what my mind could have ever thought of.

Being Jack-not-in-a-box

I remember my professor asking us a very typical question just to prove a point. He asked us what we want to do in the future or something along that line. Of course, with a typical question you would also get a typical answer. Most of my classmates answered that they wanted to be employed and climb up the corporate ladder blah-blah, be rich blah-blah, rule the world blah-blah, and a whole lot more. The weird thing is, almost everyone wanted the same things, or maybe some just said so because those are the easiest things to say. What made us all say so? That we want those things and that somehow we are sure that it really is what we want? Are we really considering the depth of the question or are we just following blindly what our "ancestors" told us. I am not however trying to spark up hints of rebelliousness here, you can think deeply of the question whether you want to or not. I just want to tell you something about my professor.

Those deep questions about following blindly, those were his words. I guess he wanted us to make a difference, to not be stuck inside a box.

My professor is sick. He has leukemia, although he is getting better (He was found in stage 3 before, now he is just in stage 1) he still is always pale and tired. Somehow we just want him to rest and get better, and he could have, but he chose not to. He just wants to teach.

I am ending my post right here because I believe that I do not need to add anything else.

Fallen rock stars

I have always known that no human being is ever perfect, that people will always fall short. I always knew this, yet I was still blinded by the idea that somehow, though imperfect, we could all grow old and die as we are. I had such ideologies because I always looked up to leaders who- although they deal with a lot of things- are able to keep their faith in God. However, I somehow forgot that leaders are human too, and that to some extent, they will disappoint us. It is indeed very painful, sad, disheartening, and I could add more feelings and synonym to clearly describe how hard it is.

I have just seen the "worst of Christianity"1, someone whom I looked up to and respected has fallen deeply and I am feeling so many painful emotions, I am scared, and just confused. I am having a very hard time moving on because many of the things I held on to was shattered.

Now, instead of "being impressed with spiritual rock stars"2, I have learned to put my complete hope in Jesus; I am placing all my cares unto God and I know full well that He is our healer and our comforter. God knows exactly how to deal with such pains. He is everything we ever need. We are all still going through a tough time, I am still learning to fully depend on God in everything because there are times when I don't understand it, yet I know that God is embracing us all today.


1 Well, ok not sure if it is the worst, or if my description is too much, but yes, somehow now it is the worst.
2 I got this from Brady Boyd's blog which is also very helpful to this current post.

Little Things

It's great how God keeps blessing us even on the little things. We sometimes overlook those small blessings and anyway we sometimes think that God is planning this huge thing that he would not even try to plan small ones for us. Yes, God is preparing something big for all of us, however He is also pouring those small blessings for us every single time. We just have to notice it and realize how big a blessing those small things are.

Lately, I have had stressful situations while commuting. Very insignificant, but God has been blessing me greatly. I usually only bring the exact amount I need to commute, so when I suddenly needed another ride (because of the great floods of Makati or of other petty little things) I end up giving whole amounts and the drivers won't let me ride anymore. During these times, God used complete strangers to bless me. Now, I'm not giving any ideas here on how to avoid paying, I'm just saying that usually we don't notice it, but God is already at work in our lives and He always is. It took complete strangers for me to realize this.

Now it is up to us to notice all these things; that every thing and every day is God's blessing.

My maniacally throbbing tooth ache

After a very long hiatus, I am finally back to blogging. I now have a blog debt of... well a lot. So here I am blogging away again because I have all the time in the world.

For the longest time, I have had this cavity (sorry for being so open about this) in my left lower tooth, molar, whatever. Every time I eat something, especially sweet ones, it throbs maniacally (and I believe it does!); and it is getting worse! I've been wanting to go to the dentist but... I don't know, just because. Now you might be thinking where exactly am I going, but I do have a few points here.

Sometimes, we have this gaping hole in our lives or this pain that just won't go away, and yeah at first it's so insignificant that we don't even know it existed. However, if we put off fixing it, it just gets bigger and more painful. When finally we do realize that it's there, we seldom control ourselves and do things that will make it even worse. When we sin, it creates a hole, and that hole is painful yet we keep on adding to that pain. Yes, I admit, sometimes sinning gives us this enjoyable moment whatever it may be, however it is but a temporary high that multiplies the holes and pains it once created. Why do we put up so much for these pains? Is it because of all those "enjoyable moments" that we simply cannot give up? If that is the case then do you think those moments are worth all the pain?

We all know that there is something far better than putting up with such a cycle; that when every hole is filled and every pain is healed we can experience joy in a wider sense. The only thing we have to do is approach our Dentist. Let God do the filling and the fixing and the cleaning. He's been wanting for you to go to Him for the longest of time because he has prepared a feast for you that he wants you to enjoy! And whatever it is that He has prepared, we are to be sure that it is not just another temporary high.

Now this is not just an advice for those who haven't been to the dentist but this is also a reminder to those who keeps on forgetting to have their check-up. (points to self)

Way to go tooth ache for being worthy enough to be part of my blog! Cheers!

Now what do I do?

I was thinking of why exactly did I write "Stop. Rewind." as a title for this blog and "Pause. Just for a moment." for my other blog and realized simply that I use both blog for exactly that purpose (according to the titles). I use the other blog to pause just for a moment, to notice some of the things I need to notice; like when you pause to look at the horizon or to smell flowers. Somehow I use this blog to stop and rewind, to try and understand (maybe); to look back or to simply remember those "pause moments". I don't exactly have a clear distinction between both blogs but somehow there's still a pattern that follows for each; so here I am rewinding a bit on what I saw on that very moment I paused.

There's this Garfield comic strip (minus Garfield) I've read lately where Jon Arbuckle wakes up to a good morning and lies back down again wondering "Now what do I do?". It sucks having to ask that question because somehow I feel like I always have to know what to do, that I should have plans laid out for today or for my future, but then that is not always the case for me. Like Jon Arbuckle, I have had days when I wake up to a good morning and lie down again realizing that there's nothing really more I can do or that I don't know exactly what to do.

There are a lot of topics I can cover just based on the previous paragraph, like how God wants us to live our lives, or about the best laid plans, or about asking a different question, etc. I guess if I would like to... I'll try to blog about all those things someday but for this one it's a different thing. For quite some time (and I guess a bit until now) I have had a lot of "free time", everyone's always busy, always out, always whatever that somehow I am stuck at home (or wherever I am at the moment) and alone. I don't have a boyfriend so I don't have someone who I can just call and ask to be with me right then and there. I used to hate that loneliness. I hated the feeling of not knowing what to do next, or I guess, what to do right now.

I never would have thought that God was using my loneliness. In my loneliness I grew closer to Him. I've had more intimate times with Him because of that loneliness. Also, He made me discover a lot of things I never would have noticed if I was not in that state. There was so much pain in that loneliness but even more joy because of it. Just another example of how God uses what we consider a bad thing for something really really good. Now, I've learned to love that loneliness (ok maybe not love but more of to not feel bad about it), though it still really makes me yearn more for my future heart. Now what do I do? I guess I still don't have good answers for that just that I'll enjoy the entire day with my heavenly father and continue on with this journey.

Building Bridges

Communication is an important part in our daily lives. Being able to share ideas, divulge secrets, open up, or to simply have small talks, these are things that we live with every day. In school we were taught how language plays a role in the whole notion of a community. Simply put, language is what connects us with each other. We know that if another person speaks Tagalog, even if he really is not Filipino, we somehow welcome him into our own little community. In that sense, we create our own notion of a community based on who we understand and those that could not understand is separated from the community. Although this is not applicable to all and this is not entirely the whole picture, lets face it we actually find it easier to communicate with those within our "imagined" community because we have a certain level of understanding.

Now I am not really going to focus on language and its role in the community; I will instead focus on communicating within our own community. I speak of community not so much in the large sense (schools/barangays/countries etc.) but I speak of community in the "imagined" sense, meaning those we feel an affinity to, those who we feel we are somehow connected with. For some finding a community where one belong is very hard, for some a piece of cake, but we all long to be a part of a community. We have this community of friends, community of believers, our family, school mates, and so much more; and we feel a connection with them. Now this connection is based on communication, the deeper level of communication the deeper connection we have with each other. The deeper connection we have, the stronger our bonds become, and our community will be intact for a long time.

As Christians, we are all made for fellowship, with this in mind we understand that it is important for us to take good care of our community. How then do we do this? The most important of all is that we always put GOD first and in the center of our relationships. Next is communication. As I have stated, communication plays a huge role in strengthening relationships; we must be able to trust each other and to remove our masks so that we can open up more to each other. TRUST is very important. Also, we must always be wary of what we say; we must be slow to speak, think clearly of what is it that we want to say. Some might think that what we say is simply just words, but what some do not see is that words can really make or break a relationship. Being wary not only means being careful with your words, it also means NOT gossiping, NOT backstabbing, being careful with jokes, and a lot more. God wants us to build each other up and not break each other apart.

Not only are we made for fellowship but we were also made to bring more people to Christ to be part of God's community. Again, we see the importance of communication. We must share God's word to others, share His hope, His grace, His faithfulness, and everything about Him to others. If we do not communicate with them, then we would not be able to fulfill one of our life's purpose.

Though I may not know a lot about this matter for I am just learning about communication in a deeper sense myself, I know for a fact how important it really is. The best part about communication is that it is a bridge, it connects us with each other, it also connects us with God. Plus, we get to learn more about each other and about other things through communication. We must never stop communicating, stopping would just build walls around us, and I guess that was what God wanted me to learn through all of these things (sorry for just going into circles I really have a hard time making sense of my thoughts) to stop building walls.

19 blessed years

I am learning more and more each day. Being with my best friend, He teaches me a lot of things which He knows I would want and need to learn and understand. He is so great; for 19 years He has blessed me so much and never even left me no matter what. He really is the very best friend one could ever have. :)

A "buzz" from the past

Today I was able to chat with an old friend of mine from Korea and once again I am filled with memories and hopes of going back there. How I really wish I could just leave right now and visit them even just for a few days, but then even if I do go back everything will be different from when I was there. I don't think I would be able to go back to the dormitory, climb the same mountain to school, hang out under the same tree, and possibly everything else I miss and loved. But I still do want to go back. I really do.

I'm Not Who I Was

Just recently while I was spending time with God, He told me to open my journal and just start reading from the beginning. You don't know how much of a shock it was (and still is) reading back on every entry I wrote. It was like walking down memory lane yet confused whether or not that memory was true. I started to laugh, to cry, to be annoyed, and every other possible emotion one can have just from reading my journal. One thing though that I cannot shake off is the fact that I do not want to believe that it all happened, and that I felt all those emotions. I cannot believe that I was the person writing all those things; I felt totally different, like I am not the same person.

God wanted me to see how amazing His love is and how much He has changed me. He wanted me to remember His grace and every moment that happened that lead us to this very chapter in my life. God really is amazing.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I’m not who I was
-"I'm not who I was" by Brandon Heath

Exactly how I expected it to start

It's always the first entry that gets me so annoyed since somehow it always has to be something good and I never have anything good to say at all! Still, since this is not my first blog (since I purposely deleted the one previous to this) and since this is not my only blog (I have another for a different yet unknown purpose: www.eggboodle.tumblr.com) I am rid of the expectation (from myself) that my first entry should be good.

Just today my professor in Economics talked about the Rational Expectation Theory which is basically a school of thought where they believe that the end result depends on what people expect to happen. People generally have an understanding of how the economy works and that affects how they behave now; their behavior now actually affects future outcomes and somehow just makes their expectations come true. A very good example of this is the exchange rate "the value of a currency and its rate of depreciation depend partly on what people expect that rate of depreciation to be. That is because people rush to desert a currency that they expect to lose value, thereby contributing to its loss in value."*

Usually, this would have skipped through my mind, but for some strange reason I can't stop thinking about it. Somehow, this theory is not only true for Economics but also true for most parts in life. We expect that tomorrow will be a good day, and we behave in such a way that would really make tomorrow a good day, a.k.a Optimism. However, we were told that we are not to expect since expectations are usually not met. If we agree to this, then somehow we are expecting that what we are supposedly expecting will not come true. So, if we expect tomorrow to be a good day, yet we act as if somehow there is a possibility that it will not come true, then we in turn may create the possibility into a reality.

I don't really know where I am going, somehow we can see that this will just go in circles if I continue thinking about it (or better yet that I will just lose my sense, which I don't know if I had one to begin with) and with that I concluded not to expect at all. I did not conclude so because people say that we'll just get hurt if we expect and it did not happen, but I concluded so because there really is just no sense in making my brain hurt about such things (like the future) if we can just enjoy our now.

That's looking at it in a worldly perspective of mine, spiritually, I have no idea. Somehow whenever I expect, I go way ahead of what God's plan really is. Maybe I expected right or maybe not, which is totally not the point, but if I do so I am not focusing on what God wants me to focus on instead I am making assumptions and going way ahead of Him. Then again, we are told to have faith in His plans, to believe that it will come to life, then isn't that expecting? Then expecting is a good thing. I guess it just depends on how one defines expecting, or how one really makes use of it. I really don't know, I'm just going through all of these like everyone else, but I guess the best thing to do is to just do what you are told to do. If God tells me to expect, then i shall expect, but only to the extent where I am allowed to expect so as not to go way ahead of His plans.

To conclude all of this, my mind really is weird. :|

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* Sargent, Thomas. (n.d.). Rational Expectations. Retrieved on May 15, 2009 from the Library of Economics and Liberty website: http://www.econlib.org/library/Enc/RationalExpectations.html