Nothing wrong with making a wrong turn

Today at youth, we talked about mistakes. How it can be your teacher and how it can be your downfall. Mistakes give us knowledge and wisdom. It teaches us to be humble. It gives us the heart to love the broken. It makes us strong enough to help pull up those who are deep in the murk. It leads us to the right path.

Mistakes, however, when done repeatedly is not only stupid but it's really... stupid. It hurts us and robs us of many many things. Need I say more?

People, however, tend to look only at the bad side of making mistakes. They then tend to lock themselves up and live safe lives. Safe and meaningless. They never actually learned anything.

What's the point then of living if you don't?

"This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions; this is a time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love... a lot. Major in philosophy, because there's no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind, and change it again, because nothing's permanent. So, make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask what we want to be, we won't have to guess... we'll know."

-Jessica, Eclipse

There's nothing wrong with making a wrong turn, at least now you know. Though, I should say, if you already know it's wrong... let's not be stupid and do it anyway. That's just plain... stupid. It's also a waste of time.

Well anyway, I'm off to live life. If I stumble over a rock and fall, then I shall welcome the bruises and stand back up again. Moving forward, I will no longer see the same rock. Though if I should see another, I know well enough not to stumble over it again. It's time to stumble over something else. Like flowers, maybe (if such are enough to make us fall).

Letting it all out

Last Thursday, I was a part of the "Kapihan with JCCI leaders Batch 4" and one thing I remember which they all consistently talked about was passion.

Last Friday, I was reading my "Daily devotions" and it was about finding your language, or to make it clearer... passion.

Today, I witnessed the life of someone full of passion at work (and not just literally).

These instances, and a few others in between, made me think about my post last 12-12-2009. I don't know if I was able to find my passion or if I lost it (assuming I had one already).

I think I stopped trying.

I guess that's one of the reasons why I felt exhausted (according to the JCCI leaders) or why I felt like I'm not in the right place (according to my Daily devotional book). It may all have been because of my passion.

I think what hits the most is the sermon last Sunday. It all boils down to my passion for God. I'm not going to lie, but I know that I hid it safely in a box somewhere. Which is wrong.

I want to open that box again, to let it all out.

Starting NOW.

Tearing down walls

I was able to read back to one of my older posts about how we should start building bridges and stop building walls. That in every relationship, communication is really important. When we do communicate, we should do so in truth. Always being honest and not leaving things unsaid. Sometimes though, we usually tell others one thing and leave the rest behind. I tend to do the same thing when I talk with God. I usually talk with Him about the big things and leave the small ones, not because I think He does not care much about it, but because I feel ashamed that I would even open up those small things. I forget that He is the God of everything, big and small.

I always remind myself to just tell Him everything. So I do, and I just love the way He responds to it. I love how He is so hands-on and how He is so interested in every detail of our lives. I remember reading the book by Eric and Leslie Ludy "When God Writes Your Love Story", where they say that the most common misconception of most is that God does not care much about our love story. Totally the opposite. We were made to love. God loves us and He is very much hands-on when it comes to our love story.

So when I told Him my small concern, He reminded me of His promise and to whom I am talking to. He promised that He will answer all my questions and that He has prepared someone for me. One who will pursue me, who will delight in me, and will fight for me. One who will break all the lies the devil is telling me. He reminded me that He is at work, but that there are also some things that I need to work at as well. That I need to stop building walls and to stop building towers but to completely surrender it all to Him and to tear down the walls of my tower.

"Unless a woman realizes God’s call and promise to her, she can never understand a man’s call to her. And unless a woman surrenders her tower to God, He cannot fully save her from herself and the lies of the Devil." - Sean, God an You (The Story about every woman)

Running the Race

I just noticed that I haven't had a single post for February. So let this be my first (and possibly last) for February. I just want to say, I wish I have a vacation. SOON. I don't know why but I am really tired lately. :(


I also just want to say how excited I am for this Sunday. I haven't been to our church's service for this past 3 Sundays. I went to HCF for one Sunday and was at Sunday school on the other two days. Even though I know I missed a lot, I also know that I learned a lot and was really blessed in Sunday school and HCF.

God also reminded me of an old Christian song while in HCF that rings true to me and is one song that I would be singing a lot.

WE'LL BE FAITHFUL

Forgetting what lies behind
Setting our hearts on the prize
Always keeping our eyes on our Lord Jesus
We're running the race to win
All the way to the end
Breaking down every sin that would seek to hinder us

And we'll be faithful to our calling
For you are able to keep us from falling
For in your promise, we will trust
We'll be faithful to finish
The work You began in us. 

So even though I am tired, I'll keep going. God is my strength and He is more than able to keep me from falling. He mapped out a very beautiful plan for me and I will continue to follow Him all the days of my life.

Angela, God wants you to know that...

There is an application in Facebook called "God wants you to know" which gives you daily insights on, well... what God wants you to know. Even though it is just an application, I still believe that God talks to us through it as well. I only open it on certain days, and on those certain days, the messages are really "sakto". It is usually so timely and exact that we cannot really ignore the fact that God is trying to talk to us through it (I'm guessing it is because most of us are turning into Facebook zombies and tend to neglect everything else).

Lately, as written on my previous post, I am going through certain paths in my life that I am really not used to. I suddenly felt like using the application one day and realized that God was telling me something, and He keeps on talking to me about it continuously.

I want to write it all down here so that it would not get lost in the flood of posts. So lately, God wanted me to know that:

(1) there is no need to obsess over a decision. God has more in store for us than we can ever predict, and what we fear are bad choices frequently turn out for the best, because our hidden aspirations know better where we are going than our rational minds.

(2) you are not to shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find and keep. The quickest way to find love is to give love. If you want it too badly, you will not find it. The most secure way to keep love is to give it space and care to grow. If you hold it too tightly, you will lose it.

(3) your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. God loves you with the very air you breath, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - ...melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance.

You can just see the connection and the progression. You will also see what was going on in my head around those days. I was obsessing over it too much hence number 1. I kept thinking that it is impossible to keep which is why I would not bother anymore hence number 2. Number 2 wants me to give love and give it space and care to grow, but there are so many barriers within me that stops me from doing so hence number 3. I am sure that there would be a number 4, 5, 6... N.

Until then... I just want to burst!

Defining Moments

Defining moments.

That was the main topic for today's message. That there are certain moments in our lives which would eventually define who we are and change lives. These moments may be good or not, but that fact is not as important. What is important is how we react or what decisions we make.

Recently (and actually up until now), I have been facing certain crossroads in life wherein I had to make a decision. It has been really hard since what I want is usually different from what God wants. To be honest, it was and still is hard to fully surrender to God; but I found that He really knows what is best for me and He has everything planned out. HE KNOWS. That fact makes me confident of whatever I am facing and whatever lies ahead of me.

Sometimes, however, I tend to forget all these things and I find myself struggling once again in trusting God. There are certain things that holds us back like sometimes we act as if we control our lives, sometimes we want us to be the one doing everything, or sometimes we let our past hold us back. I am guilty of all of the above.

I am still having a hard time. Especially since I am still on the road, far away from the destination, with no map, no itinerary, no whatsoever. If, however, I want to have a stronger relationship with God, I have to really learn how to fully let go and to trust in Him. Complete surrender. I am still learning, and every day I pray that I would not veer away from Him.

Right now, this is one of my defining moments. Wherein I will choose to fully surrender all to God, to follow His road and to stop negating Him. I will lay down everything to Him. To be perfectly honest, it is really scary, but whenever I think about what He has mapped out for me, I feel really excited.

This 2010, I am ready to go on another journey with my Heavenly Father.

Heart and Soul

I need to find my passion again.

Wait.

Slash that.

I need to find my passion.

And by passion I meant my heart and soul. Something that I know I was shaped for. One that God has placed in my heart, and one that only I am supposed to do. Not in a sense that only I can do it, but in a way that it will be different from all the other things God has asked others to do.

I was made to worship God.

That I know.

That I am passionate about.

Maybe that is enough.

I don't know. I may be thinking about things too much. Maybe.

God's best gift

I remember talking to a friend about what I look for in a guy, and not just any guy but my perfect man. Of course there were the usual requirements; like being a God-fearing person, good, loving, etcetera etcetera etcetera. We have all been so picky that we have a hard time finding the right one because we always compare them with our "perfect man". Not just that, but we tire ourselves out just to look for him.

All the things we do just for love.

So starting today, I will not tire myself out by looking for him all the time (or by trying to make sure that the person I like fits the category). It is a good thing though that God is involved in my love story; and not just merely involved but He is the author of my love story. I am sure that He has prepared the best man for me who I will come to know in His best time as well.

Thinking about it though made me realize how much I have been blind. You see, everything I look for in a guy I can actually find in Jesus Christ. He is the perfect man, not just for me but for all of us! Wow! That actually made me feel more at peace knowing that I do not have to live life like I have no one, because I actually do.

Cheers to a very romantic life with Christ and His perfect "gift" to all of us.

Humpty Dumpty's choice

Yesterday, after so many long unmeasurable years, I tried joining our church's fellowship once again. This time however I am now part of the "singles" and not with the "youths". While we were making plans for the upcoming Simbang Gabi our pastor was talking to me about the life story of one our new church member. How he fell in love and fell apart. His story truly was one of deep hurt and sadness. One that even just the thought would really break ones heart. Imagine having your first and last true love die at a very young age.

I would really be torn apart if that happens. I would be broken into pieces without anyone knowing how to fix me, how to put me back together again. Just like Humpty Dumpty. All the Kings men would not be able to help at all; but the King could. Our King could and would if we want Him to and if He wills it. Our King wanted to help us from the very beginning, it was just really up to us whether we want to be fixed or if we want to stay broken. It is our choice. I would leave this entry here so we could all think. This is not just for those who are heartbroken but for everyone who is broken. One of the things I always tell myself is just to let go and let God.

Let go and let GOD.

Saving Angela

“My greatest disappointments in life are when I ask anyone or anything other than Jesus Christ to be my savior.” -- Jon Acuff

This is one truth that I have always known, but in all honesty, it is also one that I always tend to forget. There are times when I start to create expectations out of certain things turning it into a "must" and thinking that it will eventually turn things around for me or make things better. Jon Acuff describes this one as "having savior moments".

I used to think that if only I have a/an (insert expensive trendy "it" item here) it would at least make me even a bit happier. Just a bit because I still have the brains to remember that temporary things will never complete us, especially since it is temporary.

I used to think that if only I have a boyfriend, then I would not have lonely days, and he would be able to ease all my hurts, and fill up the empty space in my heart.

I used to think that if only I have a job, I would have the money and it would make things better for me. It would make me happier and it would make me a better person. Having a job would also say good things about me, right?

I used to think a lot of things would help me but that is and never will be the case.

If we always put our trust in temporary things, in relationships, and whatnot, then surely we would really end up dissapointed. All these things will soon disappear, it will soon fail, it will soon fall short of our expectations. Only Christ can save us. Only Christ can change us. Only Christ can make a difference in our lives. This is the truth I've always known, this is the truth that God keeps reminding us over and over again. I hope from now on I won't need to be reminded once again and that I will always place my trust in God and look to Him first and foremost.

A commitment to wait

When God wants you to remember something, He reminds you. And he keeps doing so until you understand. Which is exactly why I am wondering why I was able to read another blog about waiting for God's best and why I received a recycled paper with a True Love Waits Commitment at the back. Hmm... I wonder why.









So here are the five commitments of true love waits as written in the paper:

- To God: Matthew 22:37 - Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'

- To Yourself: Matthew 22:39 - And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

- To Your Family: Philippians 4:5 - Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

- To Your Friends: John 15:13 - Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

- To Your Future Mate and Children: 2 Timothy 2:22 - Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

And with that, "Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate, and my future children to a lifetime of purity including sexual abstinence from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship."

I shall now say, Ok ok ok... :)

On Fireflies and Firefly

"I'd like to make myself believe
that planet Earth turns slowly
Its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems"
-Fireflies by Owl City

I really like Fireflies by Owl City. I loved it ever since the first time I heard it and to satisfy my musical craving I asked my younger sister to download it. At that time however we still do not know who sang it; so my sister typed in "Firefly" (Which was already a mistake) and there were several artists who had such a song. Not knowing who really sang it she downloaded from two different artists who sounded like they could be the right one. It was obviously none of them, since the real title of the song is "Fireflies". Later on, we were able to download the one I really wanted plus, from that minor mistake I learned to love a new song.

Now I may sound like I'm blabbering on again, but I do have a point; it's not much of a point but it is somewhat like a point. I am always afraid of making mistakes thinking that it will always lead to an undesirable result. That however is not always the case, sometimes mistakes can open us to newer possibilities, it can show us things we've never seen before. In my case, this tiny mistake which made a great big difference also led me to find a new song to love. It's great how God reminds us of a lot of things even from the simplest things in life, things that we don't usually notice as well. Were always usually so busy we forget to just pause to take a deep breath and look around. I pray that we never miss God's simple reminders from all our small or big daily activities, that we never forget that God is always at work in our lives.

"It’d take a thousand colors just to paint your eyes
Like saving grace, they raise me up to paradise
This ain’t opinion, it’s consensus from my heart and mind
You make me happy to be alive"
-Firefly by Jimmy Needham

Dreaming Dreams

As graduation draws nearer I can't help but think about what really is next. I tried my best to postpone such thoughts, however it keeps coming back. To be honest, I don't really know what I want to happen next. I have no idea what I want, what my dreams are, or whatever one may call it; it's a good thing God planned out everything or else I might just be in deep deep trouble. I may have no dreams for myself, but God gave me dreams for His glory, and I consider that dream to be my dream. And when God gives us dreams, we are certain that it will surely come to pass.

Now, I know it is really hard to be sure of certain things, especially when our current situation seems to disagree greatly of such dreams. It is so frustratingly disappointing! But God knows best, He knows when the perfect time is for that dream to happen. The moments that we think nothing is happening may be the exact moments that He uses to prepare us for our dreams. With that in mind, we should embrace every moment knowing that we are getting nearer to what God has prepared for us.

Embracing every moment however, does not mean that we can sit around and wait for it to happen. No. If God gave you the dream that you will dance, nothing will ever really happen if you don't practice. God does not want us to be idle. He wants us to believe, to expect, to trust in Him, and to prepare for the wonderful future He planned for us, for the dream He gave us.

A Mother's Love

Awhile back (when it was still September 25), I suddenly had the urge to watch Nooma[1] again, as if there's something of importance I needed to understand or even to remember. It was all about the Maternal image of God, and it was very interesting especially since it was something that we normally do not really talk about. To add to that, right after watching Nooma I read about the exact same thing in one of the blogs[2] that I follow.

They both talked about how God loves us and how "As a father has compassion for his children, so the Lord has compassion for those who fear him." (Psalm 103:13) Both of them focused on the word compassion and how this word was derived from the word womb or womb-like. Imagine that! God has a womb-like compassion for us, His children.

Although I am not a mother we all know how deep a mother's love is for her kids, how she connects with them, and how she protects them and delights over them. To think of God's love for us in this point of view, makes it even bigger and powerful and all-encompassing. As a mother delights in us, so does God[3] (and in a bigger way)! God watches over us, He looks at our every move with loving eyes, He laughs with us and cries with us, He embraces us knowing that we need it even though we say don't, He protects us... He loves us so much in so many big ways that one cannot posibly describe it! That is just looking at it in the maternal image, if we add all the other images of God's love, all the other metaphors used, then imagine how much bigger His love is for us.

To think that these are just metaphors, imagery, words that are used to further emphasize the point, or to beautify our sentences. These are just words. And God's love cannot be contained by our language! And that was really their point, that very thing that I needed to remember and understand fully, that God loves me! He loves each and every one of us so so sooo much; so much that we can't even describe it fully.

1nooma.com
2 Thinking Out Loud
3 A dear friend of mine also sent a devotional e-mail this day about how God delights over us. God really is all around!

Another beautiful ending/Another exciting beginning

I only have until Friday; after that I will no longer be a college student.

It feels weird. I feel very happy about it, yet quite sad. It's another one of those journey that is nearing its end so one can start a new one. All of us are now in the point where we constantly reminisce about everything from frosh days to whatever days, and we are all in a very nostalgic mode.

Looking back, I can see how God greatly worked in my life and how He blessed me so so much. With that I sing "Laging tapat/ laging sapat/ ang aking Diyos/ na makapangyarihan...".

I will dearly miss my college days, but even though I am about to close this chapter of my life, I am looking forward to the future knowing that God will always be by my side.

Planning Ahead

A re-post of my post from my other blog.

04/16
It’s normal to plan ahead, we all do it. There really is nothing wrong in planning, ahead unless you make your own plans without having in mind God’s plans for you. It is in our nature to plan for something big, knowing that God did not make us small; but when our plans don’t come alive we become so disheartened. We keep on forgetting that it is not our plans that matter but His plan.

I used to feel insignificant, thinking that I am not supposed to be living this life; instead I should be doing something big for Him. I felt like I was on the right track; good thing I always ask God to “slap me in the face” whenever I’m going the wrong way. He didn’t really slap me but one night He made a way for me to talk to a friend whom He is using to make me understand something. My good friend told me how she used to feel the same way, as if she should be doing something extravagant for God; but then her counselor told her that maybe right now, that is not where God wanted her to be. God has huge plans for her, but right now He is using her mightily in the “small” things that we don’t usually notice every day.

I understood then, that once again I am going way ahead of Him by mapping out my life, when in fact He has a plan for me right now that I was not able to notice because I was busy planning. I may not be able to understand completely the way God works but I put my trust in Him knowing full well that He has a plan for me, one that is far greater than what my mind could have ever thought of.

Fallen rock stars

I have always known that no human being is ever perfect, that people will always fall short. I always knew this, yet I was still blinded by the idea that somehow, though imperfect, we could all grow old and die as we are. I had such ideologies because I always looked up to leaders who- although they deal with a lot of things- are able to keep their faith in God. However, I somehow forgot that leaders are human too, and that to some extent, they will disappoint us. It is indeed very painful, sad, disheartening, and I could add more feelings and synonym to clearly describe how hard it is.

I have just seen the "worst of Christianity"1, someone whom I looked up to and respected has fallen deeply and I am feeling so many painful emotions, I am scared, and just confused. I am having a very hard time moving on because many of the things I held on to was shattered.

Now, instead of "being impressed with spiritual rock stars"2, I have learned to put my complete hope in Jesus; I am placing all my cares unto God and I know full well that He is our healer and our comforter. God knows exactly how to deal with such pains. He is everything we ever need. We are all still going through a tough time, I am still learning to fully depend on God in everything because there are times when I don't understand it, yet I know that God is embracing us all today.


1 Well, ok not sure if it is the worst, or if my description is too much, but yes, somehow now it is the worst.
2 I got this from Brady Boyd's blog which is also very helpful to this current post.

Little Things

It's great how God keeps blessing us even on the little things. We sometimes overlook those small blessings and anyway we sometimes think that God is planning this huge thing that he would not even try to plan small ones for us. Yes, God is preparing something big for all of us, however He is also pouring those small blessings for us every single time. We just have to notice it and realize how big a blessing those small things are.

Lately, I have had stressful situations while commuting. Very insignificant, but God has been blessing me greatly. I usually only bring the exact amount I need to commute, so when I suddenly needed another ride (because of the great floods of Makati or of other petty little things) I end up giving whole amounts and the drivers won't let me ride anymore. During these times, God used complete strangers to bless me. Now, I'm not giving any ideas here on how to avoid paying, I'm just saying that usually we don't notice it, but God is already at work in our lives and He always is. It took complete strangers for me to realize this.

Now it is up to us to notice all these things; that every thing and every day is God's blessing.

My maniacally throbbing tooth ache

After a very long hiatus, I am finally back to blogging. I now have a blog debt of... well a lot. So here I am blogging away again because I have all the time in the world.

For the longest time, I have had this cavity (sorry for being so open about this) in my left lower tooth, molar, whatever. Every time I eat something, especially sweet ones, it throbs maniacally (and I believe it does!); and it is getting worse! I've been wanting to go to the dentist but... I don't know, just because. Now you might be thinking where exactly am I going, but I do have a few points here.

Sometimes, we have this gaping hole in our lives or this pain that just won't go away, and yeah at first it's so insignificant that we don't even know it existed. However, if we put off fixing it, it just gets bigger and more painful. When finally we do realize that it's there, we seldom control ourselves and do things that will make it even worse. When we sin, it creates a hole, and that hole is painful yet we keep on adding to that pain. Yes, I admit, sometimes sinning gives us this enjoyable moment whatever it may be, however it is but a temporary high that multiplies the holes and pains it once created. Why do we put up so much for these pains? Is it because of all those "enjoyable moments" that we simply cannot give up? If that is the case then do you think those moments are worth all the pain?

We all know that there is something far better than putting up with such a cycle; that when every hole is filled and every pain is healed we can experience joy in a wider sense. The only thing we have to do is approach our Dentist. Let God do the filling and the fixing and the cleaning. He's been wanting for you to go to Him for the longest of time because he has prepared a feast for you that he wants you to enjoy! And whatever it is that He has prepared, we are to be sure that it is not just another temporary high.

Now this is not just an advice for those who haven't been to the dentist but this is also a reminder to those who keeps on forgetting to have their check-up. (points to self)

Way to go tooth ache for being worthy enough to be part of my blog! Cheers!

Now what do I do?

I was thinking of why exactly did I write "Stop. Rewind." as a title for this blog and "Pause. Just for a moment." for my other blog and realized simply that I use both blog for exactly that purpose (according to the titles). I use the other blog to pause just for a moment, to notice some of the things I need to notice; like when you pause to look at the horizon or to smell flowers. Somehow I use this blog to stop and rewind, to try and understand (maybe); to look back or to simply remember those "pause moments". I don't exactly have a clear distinction between both blogs but somehow there's still a pattern that follows for each; so here I am rewinding a bit on what I saw on that very moment I paused.

There's this Garfield comic strip (minus Garfield) I've read lately where Jon Arbuckle wakes up to a good morning and lies back down again wondering "Now what do I do?". It sucks having to ask that question because somehow I feel like I always have to know what to do, that I should have plans laid out for today or for my future, but then that is not always the case for me. Like Jon Arbuckle, I have had days when I wake up to a good morning and lie down again realizing that there's nothing really more I can do or that I don't know exactly what to do.

There are a lot of topics I can cover just based on the previous paragraph, like how God wants us to live our lives, or about the best laid plans, or about asking a different question, etc. I guess if I would like to... I'll try to blog about all those things someday but for this one it's a different thing. For quite some time (and I guess a bit until now) I have had a lot of "free time", everyone's always busy, always out, always whatever that somehow I am stuck at home (or wherever I am at the moment) and alone. I don't have a boyfriend so I don't have someone who I can just call and ask to be with me right then and there. I used to hate that loneliness. I hated the feeling of not knowing what to do next, or I guess, what to do right now.

I never would have thought that God was using my loneliness. In my loneliness I grew closer to Him. I've had more intimate times with Him because of that loneliness. Also, He made me discover a lot of things I never would have noticed if I was not in that state. There was so much pain in that loneliness but even more joy because of it. Just another example of how God uses what we consider a bad thing for something really really good. Now, I've learned to love that loneliness (ok maybe not love but more of to not feel bad about it), though it still really makes me yearn more for my future heart. Now what do I do? I guess I still don't have good answers for that just that I'll enjoy the entire day with my heavenly father and continue on with this journey.